Hes jokes

My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.

Q: What did Jesus say when he got nailed to the cross?

A: Owwww!!!!!

Jack took Jill up a hill to have a picnic, but Jack and Jill got drunk. They then Jill unzipped Jack's fly, then said, "You know you want me to."

He said yes, so she took off her dress and bra. Jack took his pants and shirt off too. They both went in the well together and played a game: Jack's candy stick in Jill's candy stick. Next, Jill was sucking Jack's candy stick while Jack licked and sucked her candy stick, then Jill sat on Jack's candy stick while making out.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field!

I met him once, but he wouldn’t give me his autograph!

Was he under insurance claim?

I saw a cyclist in the road today, so I ran over him and he said in a robotic voice, "SHUTTING DOWN!"

I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

Looks like he never charged up fully.

Stephen Hawking's family was cruel. He fell over and got told to man up and walk it off.

Why didn't the skeleton follow his dreams? He was too gutless.

Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"

What if Hitler did not say "bombs away," he said "lambs are slayed?"

Why did the Indian man refuse to use deodorant? Because he wanted to smell like his natural habitat, the shitter.

A child's parents once lived in Chicago.

I wonder why he's in an orphanage now.

Why can’t the disabled kid live on the corner?

Because he’s disabled.

Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.

Q: What did the Jewish person say when he beat me in a race?

A: Eat my dust.

You know how Joe Biden is happy?

When he is rubbing a little girls' shoulders and eating ice cream.