Hes Jokes

A man walks in to the doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."

Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!

I tried to catch yodeling, but he evolved to yodingalig.

"He scratched his face up, detective. That did it."

"Did I do that?"

What do you call Link when he is hurt?

A link to the cast.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"Aye, matey."

awww

A cat is looking forward, holding a leaf in its mouth. Text on the image reads: She was constantly staying near the fish market and watching people come to buy fish. She took a leaf that fell from the tree and came to the owner. On the first day, surprised, he took her "money" and gave her a fish. From that day on, every morning she comes with a leaf to "buy" fish.

Stephen Hawking only died because he tried to install Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.

Why did the mushroom kill himself?

Because he had a mushy life.

My peepee small.

Why did the baseball player go to jail?

Because he stole first base.

Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?

Because he couldn’t go up the stairs to heaven.

When my dog barks, he gets ruff.

Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.

An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"

Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.

As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

That doesn't matter, we need to get the best joker to go back to posting here, he was funny but now people say they are him and ruin his good name, he was the top of the charts for over a year, so screw all these chumps! Bring back THE REAL SPECIAL!!!

Also, the chicken dies in the end, ha ha, funny, whatever.

What do you call an orphan running home?

He couldn't find home.

How to get rich:

Step 1: Tell an orphan he will get a family.

Step 2: Knock out the orphan.

Step 3: Cut open the orphan.

Step 4: Well there [are] organs.

Step 5: Do it again.

And nobody will call the cops 'cause they got no family.

Superman and Flash were in the living room pounding back a few beers. Flash says to Superman, "I bet you can fly into Wonder Woman's bedroom and get the best pussy of your life." So he does it. When he goes back to Flash, Superman says, "Man, that was great, but my ass kinda burns."