Hes jokes

Poor Uranus, he is so gassy.

What did the bull say when he went to college?

Bison!

Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.

Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

So a man asked another man, "What's your name?"

He says, "What's it to ya?"

So the guy asked again, "And he says what's it to ya?"

Come to find out his name was What's It To Ya.

A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

Why was the egg naughty? Because he wanted a good cracking!

Why did Obama marry Michelle?

Because he's into chicks with dicks.

What did Santa say when he saw a pretty girl?

HO, HO, HO!

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

Why didn't the bear leave home?

He could not bear leaving his family.

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

A man walked into a zoo and there was only one dog.

He came out and said, "It was a shitzu."

What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.

He finally got up there, but a bird stole his co-.

I've come to the conclusion that Trump is the fifth Teletubby.

He's fat, orange, and speaks in gibberish all the time.

What did the skeleton get when he saw goth girls?......A boner.