Hes jokes

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.

Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.

I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.

He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.

Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.

Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

Why did he die?

Because God made a mistake and pressed Ctrl+Z.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

You know why the teacher punished Dairy Milk?

Answer: Because he was choco_'late' to school.

The reason Steven Hawking died is he lost his internet connection.

Joe Momma so fat when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, holy crap!"

Why didn't the bear leave home?

He could not bear leaving his family.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Never lands.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?

He could feel it in his bones!

A man walked into a zoo and there was only one dog.

He came out and said, "It was a shitzu."

He sings, he dances, be he also HE HE.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!