Hes jokes
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.
Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.
I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.
What does Michael Jackson say when it gets hot?
He-he-eat!
Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.
Memes
We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"
What can a mouse do?
He clicks.
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,
"It's an elevator, not a lift!"
and
"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"
He keeps going on until the Englishman says,
"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."
How did Steven Hawking die?
He forgot his log on password.
Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.
I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.
What did the Pokemon lover say when he got to the shoe store?
I have to Pikashoe.
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
Because he doesn’t know where home is.
Chuck Norris once went to hell.
After that, the Devil only falls asleep after he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Why did the orphan turn gay?
A: Because he wanted someone to call him "daddy."
Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.
Why can’t you tell JFK facts about Dallas?
Last time he was there, he got his mind blown.
A panda walks into a restaurant, orders some food, and eats it. Once he was done, he shoots the waiter, then leaves.
Police and detectives arrive at the scene. They ask the waiter, "Who did this to you? What happened?"
The waiter replies, "A panda, eats, shoots, and leaves."
Why did the orphan take a selfie?
Because he wanted a family portrait.
My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."