Hes jokes

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"

What does Michael Joseph Jackson say to adults when he sees them?

Keep away from me-hee-hee.

Organise my brother's bucks party and got confused when he asked for a hot 22 year old for I brought him 20 two yr Olds....

Good thing my brother's a little bit different.

Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.

Cheer for fun on the telephone and singing, "We are family!" Even then, your dad, really, he's fat, just like your dad. And your mom's fat ass, b**** ass, looking like an Oompa Loompa self, looking like an ugly.

Why did the weatherman’s cheeks turn pink?

He saw the climate change.

I knew a guy who would always claim he had a buddy with an IQ of 1.

It turns out he was just looking in the mirror.

Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.

That's why he married Courtney Love.

Q: A guy walks into a bar, what does he say?

A: Ow!

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

Did you hear about the delivery boy that worked for that Italian Restaurant down the street?

Yeah, he Pasta-Way.

What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?

Can't elope.

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

What site does a vegetable go to when he/she is stressed?

cornhub.com

Why did the orphan cross the road?

So he can be hit by a car and be reunited with his parents.

Why did Jesus die at the diving Olympics? Because he can't go through water.

Yo son so excellent, he gone to a Rubik’s cube competition who competed against his daddy.