Hes Jokes

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

You say Alex Jones, I say Alex moans mmmmm. I like that fat, tasty big boy and his Rolex watches, mummy, he turns me on!

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Teacher picks me because she/he knows i'm not listening

An image shows five gophers standing in a field. The gopher in the middle is in focus, with the other four gophers slightly behind. The text on the image reads "Why do you always pick me? There are others, ya know!"

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."

Do you know why the cake doesn't ever fight anyone?

He says, "Take a peace of that!" while entering a fight.

Why did the orphan have to go to public school? He could not be home-schooled.

This kid was crying, so I asked him where his parents were. He just cried harder. I still remember him every time I pass that orphanage.

What do you call a deaf dog? As you like, he doesn't hear you anyway.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"