Hes jokes

What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?

"Billie Jean is not my lover!"

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

So, I met Michael Jackson before he died. He dragged me to his bed.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.

I would say fly high to Kobe, but obviously he didn't...

My brother's addicted to buying ladders; he loves to get high.

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

Fletcher is not a lesbian. He is also not an Asian. He is also definitely not an accident.

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

Why don't you shower with a Pokemon? He might Pikachú.

Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date?

Because he didn't want to see the bill.

Why don’t they let Stephen Hawking have other electronics around him? Because he will sound staticky.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What did the orphan say to his father?

Nothing, he doesn't have one.

What did Allah say when he created the universe?

-Allahu akbar!!!

Why did the cloud apply to stormtrooper training school?

He mist.

Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."

And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.

There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.

Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.

After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.