Hes jokes

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

I once had a pet snake, exactly 3.14 meters.

He was a great πthon.

Bubba couldn't make rent, so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead.

I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.

Q: How did the skeleton know it would rain? A: He read the weather forecast.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He drove too far away from the power point/modem.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.

He never talks about it.

There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved

Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.

Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?

Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.

Q: Why was 10 afraid?

A: Because he was always between 9/11.

When the North Tower saw the South Tower collapse, he would say, "I'm still standing."

Why do orphans get confused about ancient Egypt? Because they wouldn’t know what a mummy is.

Why did the gay man get raped?

He assed for it.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Why didn't the drummer play?

Because he got a percussion.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.

Why was the sheep arrested?

Because he did a "ewe" turn on a motorway.

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.