Hes jokes

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

If Satan is the devil, he's pretty sus.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.

He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"

She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

Why did the Titanic sink? Because it saw an iceberg selling candy.

You know what the difference between Kobe Bryant and Russell Westbrook is?

He wears 0 and Kobe has 0 lives left.

Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

He's got a massive f*cking cock, Ayew, Ayew. He tucks it in his football sock, Ayew, Ayew. Shagged a bird and now she's dead, Swung his cock around her head, Jordan Ayew Palace number nine.

A kid had school today.

He was late every single day. He said in his mind, "I wish I can go to school again." What happened? It's obvious...... He died :)

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Q: How did the skeleton know it would rain? A: He read the weather forecast.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

I once had a pet snake, exactly 3.14 meters.

He was a great πthon.