Hes jokes
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I once had a pet snake, exactly 3.14 meters.
He was a great πthon.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He drove too far away from the power point/modem.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
Memes
Why was the sheep arrested?
Because he did a "ewe" turn on a motorway.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he is just Dav.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
Q: Why did the trans man only eat salads?
A: Because he is a "herbefore."
Yo mama so ugly, that when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho- HOLY SHIT!"
Chuck Norris can toss Jupiter at the Sun with his bare hands.
And he still cannot win a fighting match against Bruce Lee.
Q: Why was 10 afraid?
A: Because he was always between 9/11.
When the North Tower saw the South Tower collapse, he would say, "I'm still standing."
Why do orphans get confused about ancient Egypt? Because they wouldn’t know what a mummy is.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?
He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.