Hes jokes

A man hits a woman with his car. Whose fault was it?

The man, why was he driving in the kitchen?

Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.

He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.

A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."

He was in the infantry.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

Why did the ball person go to the doctor?

He was kicked in the balls.

What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?

He couldn't even open it.

Stephen Hawking isn't dead; his update is just laggy because he is too far from the WiFi box.

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because he was pissed off.

How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?

He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.

When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?

Why did the orphan play GTA? Because he wanted to feel the wanted level.

What did the emo say before he crossed the road?

"Fuck my life."

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

It's been known that Michael Jackson decided to do a song for the soundtrack for Free Willy, because he thought that he would get free willy in exchange for composing a song.

I have an announcement, Shadow the Hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife and he said he dick was this big and I said that's disgusting, so I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com. Shadow, u got a small dick it looks like this walnut except way smaller.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

Why was the Human Torch arrested?

He had firearms.

Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.

He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.