Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
Hes Jokes
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?
He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
Why did Johnny cry?
He was molested by his sister. Johnny enjoyed it, though.
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
Why doesn't Batman need Robin as a wingman?
Because he has no problem robbin' your girl.
When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?
"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩
Why can’t you tell a funny joke to a wheelchair kid? Because he just rolls with the joke.
Stephen Hawking died because he was too far away from the Wi-Fi router.
Why couldn't the kid with Down syndrome play football? Because he got all the downs.
Why couldn't the kid with Down syndrome play football?
Because he got all the downs.
There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.
My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.
How Steven Hawking died: because he moved too much during the day and ran out of juice.
My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
Why did Obama marry Michelle?
Because he's into chicks with dicks.
Why did the bone go on a blind date? He was bonely.
