DoS jokes

Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.

Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"

So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"

The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"

Dear Grad Parents,

Please pass the attached Commencement schedule on to your graduate(s). We ask that students arrive 15 minutes prior to their scheduled time and that they do not arrive early. Staff will greet the students outside the main entrance. Students may wear cap and gowns and/or formal wear.

There will be more information to follow in the coming days.

Thank you.

A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.

"New around here?" said the bartender.

"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.

Bartender "You can talk?"

Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."

Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"

Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"

The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.

The robot seems to be just like a normal human.

"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.

"The top minds in the world," said the robot.

The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."

Bartender, "What?"

"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"

What do Jamaicans say when they touch a cactus?

Pokemon!

I heard he's doing a revival tour next month. It's called "Stephen Hawking Unplugged."

What do you call a terrorist that can fly?

A dart.

What do you call a hung autist...

Dead.

What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?

A dildo.

Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?

What do gay men like to suck each other's bananas because they like the ice cream filling?

If you punch an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?

What do you call a Muslim and an Arab in a plane?

Pilots, you racist fuckers!

What do you call an emo dating another emo?

The suicide duo.

What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?

"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"

What do you call a 3 humped camel?

Answer: a prostitute from New York. 😂😭💀

What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.

Once I told an abortion joke and this woman was like, "I've had an abortion, that's offensive." And I was like, "I just tell jokes, I think what you do is much worse."

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard.

Director: Hi, we are making a huge cliffhanger in this movie.

Actor: Really? What do I do?

Director: You will play the part of the cliff. (holds up hanging rope)

What's the difference between a five-year-old and a Democrat?

The five-year-old doesn't expect you to do everything for them.

(Vote for Ted Cruz, Ben Shapiro 2020)