DoS jokes

How do you blind an Irish woman?

You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.

How do we know Cinderella is a virgin?

Because she runs away from balls.

What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?

A very pissed duck.

What do you call two natives in a sleeping bag?

Twix.

I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"

What was Hitler's favorite thing to do to pass the time?

Smoking.

What do you call an emo kid with light-up shoes? A human chandelier.

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

There are some questionable candies out there, such as:

"All I want is a good Blow Pop."

"I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."

"If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."

"Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."

"Or adopt Three Musketeers."

"Or even end up with a Sour Patch."

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

A man goes into a job interview and sits down.

The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"

The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"

The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"

The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."

How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?

By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.

How do you start a dance party?

Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?

They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.

Why do they never serve beer at a math party?

Because you can't drink and derive.

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

What do you do when you're bored?

I beat up orphans.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

What do you call a flat emo kid?

A cutting board.