DoS jokes
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."
What do you call a Native American with a boner?
A redwood.
What do you call a bunch of bi-racial, retarded kids? Mixed vegetables.
What do you call a steak that tastes bad?
A MISsteak.
Memes
What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?
Shooting up schoolchildren.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
Q: How do you get the retard kid out of the tree?
A: Wave at him.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dinosnore!
what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
What can an elevator do that an orphan’s parents can’t?
The elevator can raise a family.
How do you put an end to MeToo? Just fill those combined showers with transgender women.
What do you call suicidal Hitler?
Slitler.
Why do kids like Michael Jackson so much?
Because he's made out of plastic, and that's what toys are made out of! 😂
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear hahaha.
Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅
What song do you think was playing at the school?
"Pumped Up Kicks"