DoS jokes
What do you call an arrow pointing the wrong way?
A Disap point ment.
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But donβt worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: πβ₯οΈπͺ
What movie do atheists watch for Christmas?
"Coincidence on 34th Street."
What do you call a magic owl?
HOOdini
Anyone can do a Michael Jackson impression. All you need is a small boy who can keep a secret.
Memes
What do you call a terrorist in water?
A bath bomb π
What do you call an Iraqi swimming in the water?
A bath bomb.
Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.
What does one orphan say to another orphan on Opposite Day? "Do you want to go home?"
Why do we never make adult jokes in front of orphans?
Because the joke needs parental guidance.
Don't do suicide, that shit kills.
What do you call a tent for lesbians?
Finger Hut.
What do my parents have in common with Nemo? They can't be found.
What do you call a blowjob from a girl who has autism?
Special head.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do when nobody's home?
Beat it.
Me: Hey, how are you?
Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3
Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?
Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.
Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!
Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)
Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!
Me: Ok, and their names?
Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!
Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)
Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.
Me: Ok, see you soon! :3
Me now hates my life. :)
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."
Dad joke time:
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake.