DoS jokes

What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?

They don’t cook because they love eating out.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker Face.

What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?

A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."

What do chickens play in the pool? Marco Polo.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on a bungy jump?

Spasticelastic.

What do Michael Jackson and Pinocchio have in common?

They both lie over little boys 😂

What do you call a lamp that molests young boys? A Jacko Lantern!

What do priests and McDonald's have in common? They both shove their meat between 10-year-old buns.

Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

What do you call a Mexican that smokes weed? A baked bean.

Donald Trump secretly admires Joe Biden. How do I know?

He attempts to imitate "Sleepy Joe" by falling asleep during his court cases and during part of the Republican National Convention!

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.

🤔 ❓ How do lesbians 😳 practice safe 🙏 sex they put condoms on dildos and then they put dildos inside of their 👄 👄 👄 mouths and then they perform fellatio on them

What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!

I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?

I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.

The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.

Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.

That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.

Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.

Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.

But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can watch the expression on their face.

When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.