DoS jokes
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?
Mufasa.
What do you call Juice WRLD in a coffin?
A juice box...
Memes
what do you call a rape victim in Ukraine?
Debris.
What did Tennessee do?
The same thing Arkansas did.
What do you call a racist crow?
Jim.
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
What do you call an orphan with a boner?
Porn.
What do you say when you see a pig making bread?
He's bacon.
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler!
What do you call a rich Chinese man?
Cha-ching!
What songs do people with no arms listen to?
None, 'cause they can’t press play.
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff.
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.