DoS Jokes

How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?

You turn off the WiFi router.

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaiins.

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.

What do you call a cut cucumber?

A guy with no legs.

A multi-paneled image shows a man on a panel trying to call on an actor. He starts with "Chris!" and three actors respond: Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt. The man then tries to specify "the muscular one," and all three actors claim the title. Finally, the man says "the one playing Peter," at which point Tom Holland raises his hand. Visibly frustrated, the man says, "Oh dang it! Not you Tom!" A final panel shows Tom Hiddleston replying, "What did I do?"

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.

Q: What do you call a cranky cow?

A: Moooooooody.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalffeinated.

What do you call a sandwich 🥪 full of envy?

Peanut Butter n' Jealousy! 😂

What do tigers wear in the winter?

A striped sweater.

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.

What do you call an African American pilot?

A pilot, you racist bastard!

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

What do you call a short black person?

By their name, you racist!

A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."