DoS jokes
What country do French Fries come from? Grease.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
What pictures do orphans take? Selfies.
Why do orphans use water for their cereal?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
Memes
Do you know why I finger women with my left hand?
They don’t deserve rights!
What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?
Ketchup!
What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.
Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every scene has a cast!
What do you call a group of brothers who fuck one another?
Super Smash Bros.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."
The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
What do planets read?
Comet books.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
What do you call a stalker stalking himself? A narcissist.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.