DoS jokes
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.
What do you call a kid watching Star Wars by themselves?
Hans Solo.
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
Memes
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew.
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
The suicide squad.
What do you tell a dead metal fan?
Rust in peace.
Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍
After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
Why do Down's kids blend in in geometry?
Their foreheads are angled.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.
What do you call a Russian prostitute? Slobadown Mycockyoubitch.
What do you call a sad, depressed artist? Anything but "Cows of Woe".