What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.
DoS Jokes
Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."
The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."
Do you know why I finger women with my left hand?
They don’t deserve rights!
What pictures do orphans take? Selfies.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every scene has a cast!
What do you call a group of brothers who fuck one another?
Super Smash Bros.
What do planets read?
Comet books.
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What do you call someone in a wheelchair during a California fire?
A steamed vegetable.
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
What do you call a stalker stalking himself? A narcissist.
Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
