DoS jokes
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?
Transparent.
What do you call an orphan when there 18?
Homeless.
What do orphans call their parents?
Unicorns because they don’t exist.
Memes
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
Where do cows go on holiday? -- Moo Zealand.
What do you call physically handicapped, homophobic, heterosexual men and women in wheelchairs?
Mixed nuts.
What do you call a blind German? A Nazi (Not-see)!
If Canadians speak "English Eh?", do Americans speak "English B?"
Why do orphans play GTA? Cause they wanna feel wanted.
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
Why do emos get discounts at every shop? Because they have barcodes on their wrists.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
What do chairs spend on the most?
Chair-ity.
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"
"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."
"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"
"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."
"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"
"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."
"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"