A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
DoS Jokes
Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
Why do emos get discounts at every shop? Because they have barcodes on their wrists.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
What do chairs spend on the most?
Chair-ity.
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"
"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."
"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"
"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."
"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"
"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."
"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
A "glad-he-ate-her".
Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"
Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"
The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"
Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."
The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."
What do you call a cow with no toes?
Lac-toes intolerant.
Why do orphans work boomerangs?
Because it's the only thing that comes back.
What do squirrels and men have in common?
They always want a nut.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? -- A cross.
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.
Yo girl... do you like squirrels, because I'm about to nut in your hole.
