DoS jokes
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
"Oh, waiter! Waiter!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Why, yes."
"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"
What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
Memes
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
...Full!
What do you call a depressed a cappella group?
Self-Harmony.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time!
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
People complain we are overpopulated.
Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?
If some girls are vegan, then why do they suck dick?
How do you name a disabled Asian?
Throw the wheelchair down the stairs.
I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
What do you call an Indian plane that comes back?
A Boomerang.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-inated.
What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!