DoS jokes
What do a fisherman and a prostitute have in common?
They're both hookers.
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
What do you call a depressed a cappella group?
Self-Harmony.
What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.
Memes
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
If some girls are vegan, then why do they suck dick?
How do you name a disabled Asian?
Throw the wheelchair down the stairs.
People complain we are overpopulated.
Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time!
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I wasnβt understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, βLet me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.β
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
What do you call an Indian plane that comes back?
A Boomerang.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-inated.
How do you get away with rape and incest in California?
Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they come back.
What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?
My clothes don't hang themselves...
Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until their parents come home.