DoS jokes
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
What do sex and food have in common?
Grandma makes both better.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
Why do white people own a lot of pets?
Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.
"New around here?" said the bartender.
"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.
Bartender "You can talk?"
Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."
Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"
Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"
The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.
The robot seems to be just like a normal human.
"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.
"The top minds in the world," said the robot.
The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."
Bartender, "What?"
"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"
Do you know what the F in orphan is for...
Family.
What do you call a teenage boy who doesnât masturbate?
A liar.
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Why do cemeteries have fences?
Because people are dying to be there.
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesnât have legs?
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What do you call a woman covered in mud? A dirty dishwasher.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Answer: Special forces.
This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"
So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."
They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"