Contrition jokes

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.