Canning jokes
Aren't paraplegics just plegics that can fly?
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
Why do orphans never play baseball?
'Cause they can never get a home run.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
Anything can be funny with the right delivery, except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"
The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
How many thumbs down can this joke get?
Joke: Runescape, mustard, tits, Pamela Anderson.
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.
"Why?" said her friend.
"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"
"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.
"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."
What is a room you can not enter?
A mushroom.
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?
A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.
What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?
"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"
Never eat more than you can lift.
What's long and can never wait for more for the ladies' action and likes when it gets harder...
Your penis!
How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Your father's dick tastes funny.