Better jokes
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!
What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?
Ask Boeing.
10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!
What number is better; 46 or 47?
I don't know, ask the kid with Down syndrome.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
Okay, roses are red, violets are blue, Barney looks better than you.
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
Who are you?
Yourself.
What's better than throwing dead babes?
Catching them after with a pitchfork.
Why did the cow go to space?
To get ice cream!
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.