How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
Okay, roses are red, violets are blue, Barney looks better than you.
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
Who are you?
Yourself.
What's better than throwing dead babes?
Catching them after with a pitchfork.
Why did the cow go to space?
To get ice cream!
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What do Ethiopian people have better than Australians?
Internet.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
What's better than a pile of dead babies?
One that's alive in the middle that has to eat its way out.
What does a doctor do to make you better?
Helium.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
Is your fridge running?
Why yes, it is!
Then you better go catch it!
A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him. The first man says, "I have been waiting to cross here for ages. It's impossible to cross."
The second man says, "There is a zebra crossing up the road." He said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am!"
Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"
