And jokes

What did one astronaut say to the other astronaut after landing on the Moon?

"Ah! And people thought we were moons!"

What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.

What do a doctor and a girlfriend/boyfriend have in common?

They both break your heart.

If you give a prostitute money, you will go to jail, but if you give a prostitute a Klondike bar, you will not go to jail. I would rather go to the casino and get more money for my buck.

Wee dyslexic boy and girl in class.

Wee boy says, "Can you smell gas?"

Wee girl replies, "I canny even smell my name!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel hanging down his pants.

A guy walks by and says, "Pardon me sir, but you've got a wheel hanging down your pants." The pirate responds, "I know. It's driving me nuts!"

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

A FedEx plane was carrying 375 fridges across Africa, but the cargo door wasn't shut properly, and only 218 reached the desired destination. The rest landed in a remote village. How many fell out the plane?

Time's up! You took too long; you only had 4 seconds to answer it.

How do you put an elephant into the fridge that pushed out the cargo door?

Open the fridge, put the elephant in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?

Open the fridge, take out the elephant. Then put in the giraffe and close the door.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she got hit by the other 156 refrigerators.

How did she survive?

Her idiot mother tried to pull her out and accidentally ripped both her arms off, but she was rescued 8 minutes later.

A lady comes into the boys' bathroom and a boy sees her.

"This is not a girls' bathroom," he says.

She answers, "I don’t care," she says, "I NEED TO PEE!"

This boy said, "Get your hairline straight." I said, "Girls don't have a hairline. How about you go to the barber shop and let your barber do your hair 10 times worse than he did the first time."

Me: Says to kid at adoption center, "You're adopted!"

Me and kid: hug.

Thought this site needed a little bit of nice jokes.

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

  • 1

    • what's the difference between hitler and you?

    one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

  • 8

    • What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

    A girl invites her friends to come to her birthday party, and at the party, one of her friends poops their pants.

    When Sally finds out, she yells, “I never should have invited you to my party! You are a party pooper!”

    So I was at high school one day in the bathrooms, and I'm circumcised, and the kid next to me wasn't, so he showed me his pp, and he had a foreskin, so I was just playing with it until the teacher walked in, then I got fired...

    What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?

    They both got a 10% survival rate...

    Two lions plan their escape from the circus. The night they get out of their cages, they see a lone clown stumbling back from town, drunk, not a soul in sight. Since they are going on the run, they decide to catch one last meal before they hit the road.

    As one lion gets a bite of leg, the second takes a piece of shoulder.

    Then one stops and asks his companion:

    "Does this taste funny to you?"