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And jokes

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

  • 8

    • What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

    A girl invites her friends to come to her birthday party, and at the party, one of her friends poops their pants.

    When Sally finds out, she yells, “I never should have invited you to my party! You are a party pooper!”

    So I was at high school one day in the bathrooms, and I'm circumcised, and the kid next to me wasn't, so he showed me his pp, and he had a foreskin, so I was just playing with it until the teacher walked in, then I got fired...

    What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?

    They both got a 10% survival rate...

    Two lions plan their escape from the circus. The night they get out of their cages, they see a lone clown stumbling back from town, drunk, not a soul in sight. Since they are going on the run, they decide to catch one last meal before they hit the road.

    As one lion gets a bite of leg, the second takes a piece of shoulder.

    Then one stops and asks his companion:

    "Does this taste funny to you?"

    So my son came up to me and said, "Hey, Dad, I’m hungry." So I replied "Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad."

    And then I feed him my dick.

    Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to get to the other side and see his friend...

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because he wanted to get to the other side and meet his friend.

    Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

    Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

    Rachel: Alright!

    On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

    Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

    What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

    A nun with a spear through her head!

    A man walked into a toilet and saw a woman fingering a man and said, "I think you're doing it wrong." Turns out it was two transvestites.

    A guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch owned by a Hunter and his Wife. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room. There they were having a grand ole time until the Rancher’s wife walks in. The Hunter looks at her and says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there.” The Rancher replied “(with a harsh southern accent from years of cigarette smoke) You’ve never been so right in your life, honey why don’t show our guest your tits.” She agrees and then shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast. After he gets a good gander he says “Nice.” Then Rancher shouted “show em yer peker now Hon.” She agreed and whipped out a 13inch Johny, and twirled it around like how an Elephant would move his. Now dazed and confused the Hunter yells out “What in Sam Hill is that!!” and the Rancher replied “Now....Lemme tell you..There ain’t a thing like it”.

    A guy once went hunting at a hunting ranch. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in the rancher’s living room. There they were having a grand ole time then the rancher’s wife walks in. The hunter says, “That’s a nice piece of ass you got yourself there.” The rancher replied with a harsh, raspy Southern chuckle from years of Marlboro Reds, “You’ve never been so right in your life. Honey, why don’t you show our guest your tits?” She agrees and shows the hunter her plump DD cup breasts.

    The hunter says, “Nice.” Then the rancher said, “Show ‘em yer pecker now.” She agreed and whipped out a 13 incher. Dazed and confused, the hunter says, “What in Sam Hill is that?!” And the rancher replied, “Now... lemme tell you... there ain’t a thing like it.”

    Girl: Can we visit Grandma this weekend?

    Mother: Sure.

    Five-year-old: Look mommy! Two people and they're wearing rope necklaces!