And jokes
What is big, yellow, and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
They say making and having friends comes with some benefits. I guess you could say I have friends with benefits.
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
Kid: Aye, Mum, I'mma do something Dad could never do.
Mum: And that is?
*Kid walks out.*
*Kid comes back in with milk.*
Mum: I'mma beat ya ass!
God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.
If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going home and walk home and I got home.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.
Two guys were on a hunting trip, and after the first day of hunting, they didn’t see anything, so they decided the next day they would split up and meet back at the fire at dinner time.
After a day of hunting, they meet back at the fire, and one hunter asked the other, “How did your day go?”
The one hunter said, “I had the best day ever! I went down the hill and hunted by the train tracks and saw the hottest chick ever. We had sex for hours in every position you could think of.”
Then the other hunter asked him, “Was she a good lookin’ blond?” And he said, “Oh, I don’t know, I didn’t find her head.”
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
Setting: Funeral Home
Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.
Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.
Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?
Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.
Customer: Okay?
Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.
By: MiniMemorials.com
True Story of Little Red Riding Hood.
The big bad wolf told Red Riding Hood to strip. He looked at her pussy and said, "Now I will fuck you!"
Red pulled out a shotgun from under her coat and said, "Oh no you're not. You're not, you're going to eat me just like it says in the book!"
What’s the difference between your mum and your nan?
Your nan's a GILF!
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
What does a bullet and milk have in common? They both take out your dad.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Fail and fall mean the same thing when it’s downstairs.