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And jokes

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."

Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?

1 scent.

I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?

2 pears.

I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?

3 coppers.

I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?

4 Lincolns.

I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?

NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!

My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"

I saw a kid crying and I asked him, "Where are his parents?"

God, I love working at orphanages!

What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.

What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?

The magician has a cunning array of stunts!

If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

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    • The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

    A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

    Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'