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And jokes

Yo mama is SO FAT... SO FUCKING FAT... That when she went on the bus, she wasn't allowed in. She asked why, and the driver pointed to the sign "Weight capacity of 50 people". The bus was empty.

She got mad and ate the bus!

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

A turtle was walking down the street when all of a sudden a snail came up to him and robbed him.

When the policemen showed up and asked him what happened, he responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?

Neither does the child.

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    • My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

    Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

    And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.

    Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

    In this modern age, I feel as though it's inappropriate to make jokes about herbs and fish.

    It's not the thyme or the plaice for it.

    So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

    The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

    The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

    The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

    Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

    Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

    Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

    Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

    How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

    They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

    Why are gay people bad at hide and seek?

    Because they're always coming out of the closet.

    If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

    But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

    The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

    Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

    Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

    And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?