And jokes

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

So, if Russia was the motherland and Germany was the fatherland, what does that mean?

The Western Front is domestic violence.

What is the difference between an orphan and a cat?

The cat is actually cute.

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?

Elton John is still standing.

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin through her neck.

What do orphans and apples not have in common... The apples get picked up.

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay person...

It don't moan when u put milk inside.

What's the difference between a cop car and a hedgehog?

With a cop car, all the pricks are on the inside.

What do children with cancer and Russian soldiers have in common? Their life doesn't last long.

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

Hey, I’m George, and this is how to figure out if someone is a psychopath.

Go into someone’s search history, and find “Cuphead ship fanfic”.

Hey George, why do you have Russia x America countryhumans?

What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper.

What's black, white, black, white, red, white, black, red, black, then red all over?

A penguin falling down the stairs.

Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!

I never make that type of joke. They always seem to crash and burn.

They are making new versions of the Star Wars films. The names have only just come out.

There is Star Wars: Attack of the Trannies, Star Wars: The Trannie Awakens, Star Wars: Rogue Trannie, Star Wars: The LGBTQ Strikes Back, and then there is Star Wars: The Last Straight Man.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

A panda walks into a restaurant, orders some food, and eats it. Once he was done, he shoots the waiter, then leaves.

Police and detectives arrive at the scene. They ask the waiter, "Who did this to you? What happened?"

The waiter replies, "A panda, eats, shoots, and leaves."

what is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.