And jokes

Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?

A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.

Q: What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

A: Neither of them get to see their parents.

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

A Chinese, Japanese, South Korean, and North Korean all walk into a bar.

The Landlord says, "Why the same faces, lads?"

What is the difference between Chinese and Japanese?

Some smile, others beam.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

The snowballs.

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

What do feminists and dogs share in common? They need to be taken to obedience school.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.

Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.

Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.

Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

Q: Why are orphans so successful? A: Because when they were younger, they got told, "Go big or go home," and only had one option.

Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead, we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is dangerous for kids if put on their face, the other one is used to carry groceries.

Your hairline got pulled back. You look like you've been climbing Chris, and you got smacked up by Will Smith.

Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A: Stoners have papers.