And jokes

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"

What do the Twin Towers and Angry Birds' pigs have in common?

They always getting hit.

Papyrus: Sans, I have a joke. What do you call someone lazy and incompetent?

Sans: What do you call them?

Papyrus: YOU! NOW GET UP AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU LAZY BONES!

What do you call a bowling ball that falls from the sky and knocks down all the bowling pins?

An airstrike.

what's flat and great for cutting? me.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

Y'all, I'm suspended till Wednesday and can't do much cuz I'm on a tablet, not my computer. Tell autterpop I won't be on till Wednesday or after.

What is the difference between an orphan's dad and a boomerang?

Oh... one comes back.

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.

An Indian guy and an American guy in a wheelchair met in a bar for drinks.

The American guy got drunk and fell on the sidewalk.

The Indian guy got drunk and walked away.

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"