And jokes

What do Christians and gays have in common?

They both say, “Oh God” when they get on their knees.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

What’s the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?

Only one came out of the chamber.

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?

There, there, over there, and over here too.