And jokes
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away. So in turn, they try to swim to the island. The brunette swims 10 km then drowns. The redhead swims 30 km then drowns. The blonde swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
What do ambulances and gay men have in common? They both take it in the back and go whoop whoop! :D
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
Lol, dick, I'm the dick and duck.
Yo mama is so fat that you should really take care of her because diabetes is a serious problem and she might die.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A girl said, "Suck my dick," and the man went, "I have boobs."
There were these three men; their names were Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, they were riding in their car, and Shit fell out, so Manners went out to pick Shit up, and Shut up went to the police station.
When he got there, the police officer said, "What's your name, son?" and Shut up said, "Shut up." The officer replies with, "Ummm...excuse me?!" and Shut up said, "Shut up!" and the officer said, "Boy, where are your manners?" and Shut up said, "Round the corner picking up Shit!"
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
What's a pedophile's favorite place to go in?
Kum and Go.
Max likes his girls like he likes his wine. 7 years old and locked in his basement.
I have 3 eyes, 2 ears, and 6 mouths, what am I?
UGLY!
Yo mama got a daughter in a relationship, and I don't have time for you, ASAP, daughter, daughter, or your mother, or your call, or your choice of choice.
What's the difference between a baby and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when I put my meat in it.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird!
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried for her health and go see a doctor.
What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.