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What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.

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    • When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.

    So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

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    • An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."

    Are you getting the funnies?

    Wyatt is a guy who still doesn't have a girlfriend because he didn't sit with Yanely and Jasmine at lunch. Funny joke, huh?

    Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.

    He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.

    When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.

    It happened too fast, he watched the very last.

    Next he died, eaten all fried.

    What was Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo?

    Head and Shoulders.

    What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

    One screams when I peel its skin off.

    What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

    You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

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    • What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.

    When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"

    One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.

    A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”

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    • A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

    You know you trip and fall. Here is the funny joke: Did you have a nice trip?

    The Smithsonian has 3 notable articles of clothing on display: Mr. Rodger's sweater, Jerry Seinfeld's puffy shirt, and Stephen Hawking's drool rag.