And jokes
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
How Stephen Hawking died: he drove too far away from the wall and the cord got unplugged.
Why don't people play hide-and-seek in the number 4?
Because it would take forever. Get it? "For-ever" and "4" four, so "four ever."
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
Two mums hook up!
Their daughter comes in the room and says, "Which one's the baby daddy?"
The "mum" points to the woman who was actually a man!
What’s the difference between a teenage girl and a cat? One’s a psycho and the other is a cat.
Who do Chinese people name their kids?
Throw the forks and knives down the stairs.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
What’s the difference between women and condoms?
There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snow balls.
What's between a wife and a husband?
A divorce.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
Do you know what the similarity between a penis and cucumber is?
They both have cum in it.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.