And jokes

What’s the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

Only the boomerang came back. It’s been 14 years, where’s my dad?

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

What's the difference between a feminist and a pencil?

One of them has a POINT:)

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"

The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"

The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."

The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"

The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"

What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?

I don’t put fruit in a blender.

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    • How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.

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    • I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.

    You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!

    "Yah, I do!"

    Oh yeah? What is it?

    "My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"

    That’s breathing, Jim.

    "NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"

    I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

    Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

    My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

    If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

    The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

    What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

    I can only fit three fingers inside the bowling ball.

    When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"