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Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?

ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

So, I got a paper towel roll, ripped it, but started to fart when I ripped it off, and stopped farting when I got it off the roll, and then I said, "I guess that's why it's called ripping one!"

A lumberjack goes to a person's house.

Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.

Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.

The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.

The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.

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    • Julius Caesar is Roman? More like romaine (salad), and to make the best salad, you stab it 23 times until the Caesar salad, romaine salad, is fresh.

    Bob the Golden Retriever and Lily the Husky were talking at Bob's house.

    Lily: Bob, do you think I'm fat?

    Bob: No, Lily, of course not! You're just a little husky!!!! Lol. Golden Retrievers are funny.

    I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

    So one day I go up to her and say, ā€œMari-juana do this???ā€ She later asked me to leave forever... I donā€™t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

  • 1

    • I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.

    [God creating sharks]

    God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.

    Angel: Seems excessive but ok.

    God: And make them mean as hell.

    Angel: WTF y.

    God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.

    Angel:...

    God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.

    Angel: Why do I still work for you?

    God: Because Iā€™m the only employer as of right now.

    I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

    AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

    So you can't pay rent and you know you're going to get evicted, but all of the sudden you hear a knock on your door and it's your landlord, but he's naked and erect, and on his cock, it says, "Your rent is due."

    A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

    The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, ā€œI donā€™t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!ā€ The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

    The bartender looks at the first man and says, ā€œYour an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.ā€