And jokes
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.
Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"
Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."
I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.
I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.
So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.
I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.
I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
My pen is so strong, ladies, come and get it!
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
Suicide bombers, carry bombs and remember to breathe.
I am having a shit and there[sic] nothing else to read.
Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!
What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?
If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.
What is red, white, and blue and makes me proud to live in this country?
The baby in the corner I choked, stabbed, and then came on.
What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..
There is none.
What's the difference between a yandere and a gun?
Nothing.
Flip them off the wrong way and you're dead.
What do McDonald's and priests have in common?
They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”