How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.
What is the difference between an American and an orphan?
They don't have a home to get their guns.
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
I'm George Washington. I can't spell "teeth" or "American."
You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?
You're-a-peein'. European.
What's the difference between a bear with a gun and an American man with a gun?
The bear has common sense not to fire it.
This isn't a joke, just an American back-to-school list.
1. Pencils
2. Binders
3. Paper
4. Pencil sharpener.
What, did you think I was going to make a school shooter joke?
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."
What do you call a Native American with a boner?
A redwood.
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
Question: "You're-a-American" when you're not in the restroom and when you come out of the restroom. What are you when you're in the restroom?
Answer: European (You're-a-peein')
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.
"Why do people call Americans excessive?"
"It was probably because of WWII."
"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"
If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
Euro-peein'.
