Accomplishment jokes

Q: What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

A: One got to finish a race.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

How do you find out about the accomplishments of the former president of the United States James Earl Carter?

Read the label on the jar of Skippy peanut butter.

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

Helen Keller.

What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?

Standing ovation!

There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.