GG Miller

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

Where did Josh go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

What's Harry Potter's favorite way of going down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I wasn't close to my father when he died, which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad? The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

Why do some kids have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.

Why do so many kids love boomerangs? Because they always come back.

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your dad.

Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year? Because they don't have a Father's Day.

What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.

What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.