What did one plate say to the other plate?
"Dinner's on me."
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
I wanted to buy some camo pants, but I couldn't find any.
I ate a sock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals!
Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken!
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.'
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.
They’re always so twisted!
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!