"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.
I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why can't orphans go on school field trips?
Parent Signature: _______
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.
roses are red violets are blue if you ever feel alone i'm always watching you
My family is like a treasure...
You need a map and shovel to find them.
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
what happens when the president turns emo? the great depression
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can't." Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)" Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."
im not suicidal im just speedrunning life
Why can't orphans work at S.C Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
What do emos and apples have in common?
They both hang on trees.
