Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy" to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, i'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty three times.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What did hitler kill himself with? A Nein-millimeter
What do emos and apples have in common?
They both hang on trees.
Dear disabled people, just go to the settings and enable it :D
“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
